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Archive for the ‘Joke’ Category

Colonoscopy Journal

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons!!). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologise to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies…
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!’

2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’

3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’

4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’

5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’

6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’

7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’

8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’

9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’

10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’

11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’

12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’

And the best one of all:

13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

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The effect of a good meal

This was an email sent to me and it was not me!

WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD
I went to Builders Warehouse recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re definitely going to sh*t yourself’ road-kill curry. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement’. Despite the curry swimming its way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as ‘thunder and lightning’.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Builders Warehouse, my quest being paint and supplies to re finish the deck.  Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh, Oh, Sh*t, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The curry from the night before was staging a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom it bullied its way through the small intestines, forcing its way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The curry fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me.  Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a clerk in a green shirt turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

  I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.  I could’ve warned that poor clerk, but didn’t. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ……..BIG mistake!!!!!

Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.  Suddenly things were no longer funny. ‘It’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand explosion took place.

  Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’.. He made a gagging sound, and disgusted said, ‘Son-of-a-b*tch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the rest room, re acquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realised that there was nothing to eat but leftover curry, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Pick n Pay. I can’t say any more about that because we are in court over the whole matter. The idiots claim they’re going to have to repaint the store!

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To the well dressed black dude Who Tried to Mug Me on Durban Beachfront three nights ago:

I was the guy wearing the black denim jacket that you demanded that I hand over along with my wallet, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend & I, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse, rings and earrings too. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Glock pistol for xmas, and we had picked up a new ‘fast draw’ shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn’t it, especially when I blasted that one and only shot right past your right ear and out to sea?

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from bare footed with your ear bleeding and ringing like a church bell, since I made you leave your expensive shoes, Nokia cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or “Mama” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done, fortunately she spoke English too, and she seemed very shocked, said you worked at a local bank and would not do what I was telling her you had done. Anyway, then I went and filled up my petrol tank as well as four other people’s in the petrol garage on your credit card. The guy with the big V8 Jeep took R800 alone, and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Joe Kools, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big 7 series Beemer that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car. I know that this bling car belongs to a local enforcer and bouncer.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Vodacom just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the local ANC office and one to the bureau of state security (intelligence services) too, while mentioning President Zuma and Julius Malema as my probable targets. The state security guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat – I guess while he traced your number etc.

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you …. but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!

Editors note: I hope that this is true!! The story goes that This Ad Was Placed in the Personal columns of a daily newspaper in Durban. There is no way of verifying whether that it actually happened or not. As I said before I hope it did! Because of this, the blog or its owners cannot be held responsible for any misleading information.

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How many of the “cool gang” are now working for the “nerds” of the school!!

Introducing Your Worst Nightmare: Karate Kyle

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This page is about Americans but I am sure that every country has stupid questions asked!

Have a read and laugh at them or gasp in astonishment of the level of stupidity!

http://www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/travel.html

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Made me laugh!

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Feeling smarter?

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius.. 

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) 
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? 
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” 
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. 
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” 
Mariah Carey 
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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” 
 Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign 
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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” 
Winston Bennett,  University of  Kentucky   basketball forward. 
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“Outside of the killings,  Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” 
Mayor Marion BarryWashington, DC

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“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” 
–A Democratic congressional candidate in   Texas. 
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“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” 
Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark 
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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” 
Al Gore, Former Vice President 
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“I love California   .. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” 
 Dan Quayle 
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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” 
Lee Iacocca 
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“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” 
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. 
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“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” 
— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. 
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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” 
–Department of Social Services,  Greenville,  South Carolina 
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“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” 
–Keppel Enderbery 
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“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” 
–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


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Feeling smarter yet? 

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