Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘fun’

Colonoscopy Journal

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons!!). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologise to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies…
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!’

2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’

3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’

4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’

5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’

6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’

7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’

8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’

9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’

10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’

11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’

12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’

And the best one of all:

13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Into the darkness

There I am, at my desk working diligently.  I have my earphones in to help distracting noises out of my head. I have a concentration span of half a brick so this helps tremendously. I keep bashing away at the keyboard of my laptop, putting incredibly impressive spreadsheets together so non accounting salesmen can understand what the accounts are doing. Suddenly, it’s dark and very quiet. There is no electricity!  Aaargh – load shedding has struck again. But wait, you have a laptop so its all okay when this happens,  surely? Well yes and no. In a perfect world – yes but the world is not perfect and this means that my laptop has no battery life whatsoever.  Effectively rendering it useless as a laptop and turning it into a fancy looking desktop!

So now what?

Thankfully,  the building we are in has backup generators and after about 10 minutes, they kick in and destroy any hope of an afternoon off.
Load shedding is a very real situation here in South Africa and involves blocks of the country being without power for between 2 and 2 1/2 hours. This gives the power utility enough time to do maintenance or to lessen the load of the power grid. This is a very hot topic in SA and one that everybody will have their little temper tantrum about given half a chance. For me, I actually think it’s a good idea and should be implemented on a semi permanent basis.
Here are a number of reasons to enjoy and benefit feom load shedding or no power.

1. Cost savings.
No power equals less power used equals less money spent.  Enough said.

2. More family time.
No one looks back on their life and says ‘I wish I spend more time watching television or working late’. Use the break from television to spend with your family. Here is a very novel idea – talk to your family during this time. (Note the sarcastic tone in that comment?) More than any other reason – this will ALWAYS benefit you and your family.

3. Explore options.
If your favourite shopping centre or local hangout is in darkness, use the opportunity to break away from the usual places and explore new places to visit. You may find a very exciting place to visit that you will visit more often and even tell your friends about. There will change the usual answer of ‘we went to the usual place’ or ‘we always go to the same place’. Even at home you can do this. This works especially well if you have smaller kids but there is no reason that any age can enjoy it. Have a picnic for dinner. Make something that does not need a firm surface like a table and set up a picnic blanket and pillows etc in your lounge or on the verandah or even in the garden. This is great fun and works wih the lights on too! If the lights are on, NO ELECTRONIC GADGETS!

4. Learn to plan ahead.
Instead of moaning about not having electricity, plan ahead. Load shedding is generally according to a schedule widely published to the public in all forms of media. This gicea you no excuse to not know. Knowing when it’s going off helps you plan ahead of this time. This might mean having dinner slightly later or earlier than normal. It may may , ean bathing childrwn by candlelight. This can be turned into another family experience. My 3 year old daughter loves it when the candles come out and its such a blessing watching her face light up with anticipation. No amount of electronic gadgets can give anybody that joy. If you habe planned a meal out and the restaurant is going to have no electricity – plan a different meal or another branch of the restaurant. The main word here is plan. Refer to point 3.

Being in the dark does not have to be a dark experience. If you put a little effort I to it, it can turn into a great experience that you will cherish forever. What have you got to lose?

Read Full Post »

You hear so many stories about people who get up one day and do a long endurance event. I spoke a man just this morning that decided one day to do the comrades marathon. The comrades is an ultra marathon from Pietermaritzburg to Durban in South Africa. Its 89 kilometres! Is it just training or is it built into us to do that?
So how much is training? How much is genetics? Could I get up with some training and run 89 km in 12 hours or less? Probably.
I think from experience that what event you is irrelevant because I think that there are very few events accessible to most people that we cannot do if we trained for it. The difference is how quickly we finish and how much we enjoy the event. This is where the genetic side comes in.

I have not met or heard of anybody who has done now training for a long endurance event and managed to finish. I am talking about events of 6 or 7 hours or more – the ultra marathons and iron man events. Under training us probably the biggest problem in any sporting event. If two people did the same training – one would do better than the other every time. I am counting out bad luck and illness etc. This the genetic difference!

This has obviously no researched proof but collected from years of observations at sporting events and information and knowledge gained throughout that time.

Read Full Post »

Step 1

Fill your mind with positive things. Read encouraging, affirming books and listen to upbeat, happy music. Think about happy memories or things you have to look forward to rather than bad things that have happened or things you dread.

Step 2

Develop yourself spiritually. Research shows that those who are spiritual live longer and more satisfying lives.

Step 3

Keep positive people in your life. Avoid people who have a negative mindset and surround yourself with people who are upbeat, spiritual and fun.

Step 4

Practice positive thinking. Try not to let negative thoughts enter your atmosphere. Think instead of all the good things in your life, even if there aren’t very many. Concentrate on your good features instead of your faults.

Step 5

Laugh often. Watch a funny movie or hang out with someone who you can be silly with. Laughter is a great way to get a positive attitude.

Step 6

Learn something new or take up a new hobby. Get out and do things you love to do and enjoy yourself.

Step 7

Reevaluate your situation. It’s easy to think negative or pessimistic thoughts when something happens. However, when you think rationally about the facts instead of the fears, you can see a more positive side of things.

Read Full Post »

To the well dressed black dude Who Tried to Mug Me on Durban Beachfront three nights ago:

I was the guy wearing the black denim jacket that you demanded that I hand over along with my wallet, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend & I, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse, rings and earrings too. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Glock pistol for xmas, and we had picked up a new ‘fast draw’ shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn’t it, especially when I blasted that one and only shot right past your right ear and out to sea?

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from bare footed with your ear bleeding and ringing like a church bell, since I made you leave your expensive shoes, Nokia cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or “Mama” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done, fortunately she spoke English too, and she seemed very shocked, said you worked at a local bank and would not do what I was telling her you had done. Anyway, then I went and filled up my petrol tank as well as four other people’s in the petrol garage on your credit card. The guy with the big V8 Jeep took R800 alone, and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Joe Kools, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big 7 series Beemer that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car. I know that this bling car belongs to a local enforcer and bouncer.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Vodacom just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the local ANC office and one to the bureau of state security (intelligence services) too, while mentioning President Zuma and Julius Malema as my probable targets. The state security guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat – I guess while he traced your number etc.

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you …. but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!

Editors note: I hope that this is true!! The story goes that This Ad Was Placed in the Personal columns of a daily newspaper in Durban. There is no way of verifying whether that it actually happened or not. As I said before I hope it did! Because of this, the blog or its owners cannot be held responsible for any misleading information.

Read Full Post »

Have fun!

Follow my blog with Bloglovin
“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”- Theodore Roosevelt

Money is tight for most people at the moment. The economy is down. The stock markets are very fragile currently. The real estate market is very low (at least in South Africa) and has been for a while now. People are spending less on ‘the extras’ in life. Less meals out. Less holidays. Conversely, everybody is working more and harder to earn enough to ‘get by’.

all these factors are leading to an increase of complaining and moaning from people in general about not being able to ‘live life’ like they used to. Facebook and twitter updates are filled with dread and sadness and moaning about bills or month end coming up or ‘too much work’ etc. People seem to be having less fun! This to me is very sad. I can understand how the current situation can bring people down and its very easy to start moaning about your current situation.

“FUN DOES NOT HAVE TO COST ANYTHING”

That statement might seem complete garbage to you but it’s TRUE! It does depend on your definition of fun and that is the crucial aspect of this post. If your fun involves going to the local mall or pub / restaurant and nothing else, then I do agree fun does cost money. Read no more and close the blog post.  If not, read on.

If you are willing to explore the concept of fun being free or inexpensive then here are some tips from personal experience.

1. Go for a walk. We are blessed to be able to do this in Durban, SA. We are also blessed with the health to do this. This can be done around the neighborhood or the local park etc. We live within about 2 km of the nearest beach so from time to time we go down to the beach and walk along for a bit and turn around and return home. These walk do not have to be long but can be a lot of fun.

2. Go exploring with your camera. I was given a very nice camera last year for my birthday from my family – this has led to many photo explorations around Durban. Take your camera and go looking for an interesting place / item to photograph. You do not need to have a very fancy camera. “Point and shoots” are capable of taking some awesome shots! play with funny angles and perspectives. We have 100’s of self portraits from various places – they are very good fun to play with.

3. Turn off your TV! We, by choice, do not have TV coming into our house. We have a TV (actually borrowed from a friend) to watch DVD’s on but no live TV. It is awesome to sit around and talk to each other without the distraction of the TV. Ask yourself this: How many times do I watch TV a week? How much of that TV actually adds meaning to your life? How much of it do actually enjoy watching? How many times have you fallen asleep watching TV? How much does the 700 channels cost you monthly? Turn it off! Try it! It may be hard at first but it is well worth it!

4. Meet friends for coffee. Ah, it will cost you! NO, IT WILL NOT! Meet them at their house or have them come to you. Do not have any special extras and it will cost you nothing. Meeting friends is great fun and it can only be good. not so long ago, we met friends at the local botanic gardens for Sunday afternoon tea. The kids ran around chasing and feeding birds while we sat and chatted. The entrance was free and the cost involved was the petrol to get there and some food. Nothing special to eat, so it was mostly inexpensive. It was a great time and a repeat performance is needed!

Fun does not have to cost anything. everybody needs to have fun and it is becoming more and more necessary in today’s society. Try it! You will not regret it!

Let me know how it goes and add some of your own suggestions!

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Read Full Post »