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Posts Tagged ‘sense of humour’

To the well dressed black dude Who Tried to Mug Me on Durban Beachfront three nights ago:

I was the guy wearing the black denim jacket that you demanded that I hand over along with my wallet, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend & I, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse, rings and earrings too. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Glock pistol for xmas, and we had picked up a new ‘fast draw’ shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn’t it, especially when I blasted that one and only shot right past your right ear and out to sea?

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from bare footed with your ear bleeding and ringing like a church bell, since I made you leave your expensive shoes, Nokia cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or “Mama” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done, fortunately she spoke English too, and she seemed very shocked, said you worked at a local bank and would not do what I was telling her you had done. Anyway, then I went and filled up my petrol tank as well as four other people’s in the petrol garage on your credit card. The guy with the big V8 Jeep took R800 alone, and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Joe Kools, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big 7 series Beemer that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car. I know that this bling car belongs to a local enforcer and bouncer.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Vodacom just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the local ANC office and one to the bureau of state security (intelligence services) too, while mentioning President Zuma and Julius Malema as my probable targets. The state security guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat – I guess while he traced your number etc.

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you …. but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!

Editors note: I hope that this is true!! The story goes that This Ad Was Placed in the Personal columns of a daily newspaper in Durban. There is no way of verifying whether that it actually happened or not. As I said before I hope it did! Because of this, the blog or its owners cannot be held responsible for any misleading information.

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The finest things in life should remain potent.

1.The f-word. When you overuse it, you dilute its punch. But when the time is right, just see how far “Forget you, man! Forget you!” will take you.

2 Sorrows. They won’t drown. Trust us.

3 Your desires. If you keep to yourself how badly you want a raise, oral sex or a biscuit, you’ll score none of them. Nobody can read your mind.

4 Her T-shirt. Unless she says, “Please, please, pretty please!”

5 Likes and dislikes. You don’t have to dig The Office. You don’t have to hate He’s Just Not That Into You. Enjoy what you enjoy and make no apologies. But you can, if you so choose, decide who to tell these things to. Which brings us to…

6 The truth. Dirty laundry, rattling skeletons, hidden histories: that is the truth. It’s so rare and valuable that people hoard it, bury it and pay huge sums to keep it secret. The truth equals your true worth. That’s why it’s so powerful when you speak it in full. Which you should, when you speak it at all.

7 Your gaze. Focused eyes speak. They are passionate. They tell a woman that she’s meaningful and a man that you mean business. Don’t look away until they know it.

8 Your reaction to someone’s deliberate disrespect.

9 Family time. When you are with the people that matter, leave your phone alone and appreciate what’s really important.

10 Time for yourself. You’re not alone if your cellphone is on. Or if you’re checking email. Or if – hey, what’s your girlfriend doing here? Tell her to go home. It’s okay, really. People may always be looking for you, but they’ll understand if you’re not always available.

11 Your praise. Two things enrich a compliment: earnestness and a heartfelt grin. One thing makes your compliment worthless: the word “but”.

12 Chillies. Water won’t help you a damn bit. Milk, my friend, milk.

13 Pancake mix. Leave it goopy and you’ll get flapjacks like soft couch cushions.

14 Effort. It’s easy to say you’ll give it your all. But if that were easy to actually do, wouldn’t you be done by now?

15 Your other five senses: humour, style, direction, honour and wonder.

16 Your manners. Ladies will appreciate it – and other men will respect it.

17 Your brain. Do you have any idea how much more satisfying Chandler, Hemingway, Capote and other writers are than reality TV? Any idea?

18 Anything you create. Whether you’re building a brick braai or writing a novel, if there’s a certain way you want it, you damn well better make it that way. Compromise with women and neighbours, not yourself.

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I woke up this morning with a plan. I would leave home early, taking my wife to work and cycle home from toti (about 40 km of very nice cycling). Before that, I would stop in at the motor licensing place to change ownership of a motor vehicle as well as a stop at my wife’s cousin to discuss an awesome website he is designing. Wow! What a plan for a good day.

Well, someone has got a sense of humour and likes messing with my plans! I woke up this morning to rain and some howling wind. No cycling. I have to say I get grumpy if I plan to exercise and then do not. We head off to toti to take my wife to work and it was a pleasant trip. I dropped Carrie off, had a cup of coffee and headed to the licensing place. The wrong place! Doh! I get to the right place and they are short staffed and cannot serve me because they are doing two jobs. Get helped eventually. Head from there to Brads place – he is not there yet. Doh! Meanwhile, the sun had come out and the wind died down to a breeze. Doh!

My glorious plan for the day down the tubes. Now I am a serious grumpy bum – correct! You must say you would be if your days plan were completely derailed like that. What happened to my mood and attitude today? This where I made a choice. Today’ it was a conscious choice. I had to decide on the path I was going to take. I could take the road of disappointment and anger about how my day being derailed. I could however, make the decision to look for the silver linings and focus on the positives of what actually happens.

The day was actually very fruitful despite some hiccups. Every day and every moment you always have a choice. You may think you do not have a choice but you always do. Sometimes the choice will not be easy though. Life is not always easy and the choices can be difficult. The bottom line here is: you have a choice!

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